Couples Therapy, Marriage Counselling &Relationship Therapy
“Distressed partners may use different words, but they are always asking the same basic questions, “Are you there for me? Do I matter to you? Will you come when I need you, when I call?
~ Dr Sue Johnson
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My Approach
The approach I use in working with couples is primarily emotionally focused therapy (EFT), specifically emotionally focused couples therapy (EFCT), because it makes sense of the struggles between a couple, and it is empowering and effective in improving and healing a couple’s relationship.
I consider a couple’s relationship using the lens of attachment bonds (as first pioneered by John Bowlby) in order to understand the underlying attachment needs of each partner and the longing that is fuelling the behaviours, sometimes counter-productive, of each partner in the relationship.
I also consider the formative events and early life of each partner to see how they see the world and how they see themselves – we each carry our wounds into our relationship and this becomes part of the environment we create – ironically and most hopefully EFCT enables each partner to bring healing to our deepest wounds and it is wonderful to be able to facilitate that.
Why choose EFCT?
Effective – EFCT is an evidence-based approach, backed up by extensive peer reviewed research and favourable long-term outcome studies. A survey by the American Psychological Association found that “70% of couples were symptom free at the end of the treatment” https://psycnet.apa.org/doiLanding?doi=10.1037%2Fcfp0000233
Empowering – couples actively engage with, repair their bond and are equipped with the necessary skills to create a healthy relationship, rather than requiring a therapist to fix it or to adjudicate for them.
Not adversarial – EFCT is not adversarial and couples are on the same side with the issue being the negative cycle between them.
Love is not enough – even where there is great love, it is human for couples to get into a cycle of relating (especially because you do matter a lot to each other) and when this cycle is a negative cycle and leads to escalation and conflict. The negative cycle hurts and erodes the affection and emotional responsiveness between a couple and breaks the relationship. We need to be able to see and escape from this destructive cycle, and EFCT is the only modality which systematically empowers couples to do so.
What happens in the Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy?
Non Judgemental - I will endeavour to form a good alliance with both of you and create an environment where each of you can speak freely without judgement and feel affirmed and understood. Your relationship is my client, not one or the other of you.
Understand Negative Cycle - I will help you track and understand the negative cycle of how you are relating to each other and the underlying attachment needs that are fuelling this. Often, one partner pursues when he or she raises an issue looking for an emotional response, and the other feels criticised and withdraws, which makes the first partner pursue even more vigorously and this makes the other partner withdraw even more.
De-Escalate - I will help you learn to deescalate when there is conflict between you.
Emotional Responsiveness - I will facilitate and encourage you to speak to each other in a way that will foster emotional responsiveness so that you may feel emotionally closer and more bonded between you.
Healing - When you are able to deescalate I will facilitate exchanges between you to enable you to understand and meet each other in your deepest needs and woundings and through that enable each partner to grow and heal with the love and acceptance of the other partner.
Learn to De-Escalate and Navigate Conflict - You can learn how to deescalate your conflicts.
Understand attachment needs - You can understand what the real issue is between you (when often your fights seem to be over small things) and through that understand what really bothers your partner, what they need and how you can meet that, and vice versa.
Emotional Responsiveness - You will learn emotional responsiveness - to respond to your partner emotionally when he or she is distressed – especially in light of the common complaint that one partner jumps too quickly to factual or practical strategies, or dismisses the other partner’s’ feelings, leaving him or her feeling not understood and alone.
Healing from Early Wounds - You and your partner can find healing from your deepest wounds, and grow beyond those wounds that drive non-productive survival strategies and character limitations (and we all have them).
Improve Communication - You can grow your ability to express yourself to your partner – it improves communication in light of your being in touch with yourself and your feelings and needs and being able to understand your partner and expressing yourself in a more sensitive way to your partner.
Repair Ruptures - You are better able to navigate the exchanges or silences and ruptures between you that leave you feeling disconnected, you learn how to repair relationship ruptures that are inevitable in any human relationship.
Injuries and Betrayal by Partner - You find healing for the deep hurts when at important times your partner was not there for you or you felt betrayed by your partner.
Restore Closeness and Love - You feel closer to your partner and regain the loving feelings between you that have been buried under the hurts and misunderstandings between you.
What can I get out of EFCT?
Any relationship issue can be engaged with. I have a special interest in:
Neurodiverse Relationships - Helping couples in neurodiverse relationships, where one or both partners have ASD or ADHD
Improve Sex/Intimate Life - Helping couples in their sexual/intimate life from a relational perspective.
Deal with Trauma - Helping couples where one or both partners have had complex trauma in their lives.l
What issues can be addressed?
We are never so vulnerable as when we love.
~ Sigmund Freud
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